The True Rituals and Antiquity of the Religion of Javacrucianism

First cometh the most ancient of rituals, known in times as ancient as Before the Web, on the Net, in the newsgroups:

In this ritual, all chants shall be repeated three times,  and three shall be the number of the repetitions: two, thou shalt not chant, savest thou continuest on to three. Four is right out.

Then cometh the newer, second ritual chant

And lastethly, cometh the full ritual named The Caffeinated Cross:

The following ritual was found in a musty, dusty old fragment of parchment lodged between the musty old pages of a musty, dusty old book in a musty, dusty old library whose musty, dusty old dust hadn't been disturbed by the presence of man in many a musty, dusty old century. It took a great deal of effort to translate the original writings.

After months of effort and research in language libraries, it was finally determined that the weird script was not some arcane, forgotten language, but English, written by someone with a very bad case of caffeine jitters.

Another fragment indicated that this was once part of a book, entitled "The Mystery of the StarBuck".

This last, the Mystery of the StarBuck, I believeth to be a later, heretical inclusion.  Related to this is the intonation at the right shoulder, which is "Frappuccino", which I have here Restored to what I believe to me the True intonation.

                            The Caffeinated Cross

    Bring your coffee cup to your forehead and intone: "LATTE"

    Lower your coffee cup to the vicinity of your navel: "MOCHA"

    Bring your coffee cup to your left shoulder: "CAPPUCCINO"

    Bring it across to your right shoulder: "ESPRESSO"

    Clasp your coffee cup in both hands over your heart chakra: "ARABICA, OH MAN!"

    Extend your arms to the sides, and intone:
    "BEFORE ME, MRS. OLSON"
    "BEHIND ME, JUAN VALDEZ"
    "AT MY RIGHT HAND, M J B"
    "AT MY LEFT HAND, THE BROTHERS HILLS"
    "FOR ABOUT ME SWIRLS THE COFFEE AROMA"
    "WITHIN ME SINGS THE CAFFEINE HIGH"

    Drink the coffee, in communion with the spirits of the Sacred Coffee Bean.

To end the ritual face the east, or to be used alone, as the Short Form,

    Put the cup to your lips

    Take a big swig

    Intone "GODS, I NEEDED that!"

Of the Antiquity of Javacrucianism

Consider that the sacred Coffee Bean cometh originally from the neighborhood of the Middle East.

Then know that in ancient times, in the land of the Hebrews, and their neighbors the Canaanites, the populace that did not live in the cities, but were the majority of the population, the farmers and herders, did worship several Gods and Goddesses.  Indeed, tens of thousands of their ceramic goods have been found in that area of the world, with inscriptions "To Asherah and Her Yaweh".

Now, it is well known that language doth shift over time, with "p" becoming "b", etc., and it is clear that the same hath occurred in this case, as this may be equally well pronounced as being "To Asherah and Her Java"